Jesus fucking Christ I forgot I blocked Tiffany and I forgot she’s someone that follows herself. I’m feeling fairly stupid right now.
I wrote this a few days ago when I was fairly stupid, because I had assumed being a florist would be easy, I had assumed you wanted me, and I had assumed you were saying you wanted to be with me.
I don’t know anything anymore but I think if I don’t send this to you it will bother me because the idea of it is true when I wrote it. You know if you don’t love me or are not ever coming back for me I’ll just start dating other people. I miss you but what good is missing someone who doesn’t love you back.
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You have been asking me to take big risks while you’re not equally taking risks. You want to stay in your 7 year safety net while I take the biggest risks first, while you watch to make sure things are safe.
I am not sure why you think I take orders from men who are still parked in another woman’s life.
When you have faced the Big Nothing on your own without her like I am trying to, without the promise of me, then you will have the will and the thrill of the ride and your own manhood to actually be receptive and giving enough to be a man with me. I’ll know that manhood is not coming from a place of needing me to lead anyone, but because you genuinely want to be inside me, but there needs to be a ‘you’ first’ Until then I will just keep looking at you in the garage and feel sad. Because I’m riding into the big nothing with NO idea what the future will be, but I’m heading that way because i genuinely want to go that way. Because the thrill of the ride is what is feeding my ache and need to feel alive. And I’ll know if you come for me it’s because you also see the Big Nothing and you also are not afraid of the road there.
Until then I’ll just be sad heading towards the big nothing of a journey to myself, a high stakes journey of little safety and lots of thrill that frankly makes me feel alive and I want a man who is also feeling alive so we can feel both as equal partners in actual true love. Flowers are very high stakes and I realize life and love are also high stakes, no one falls in love because they are servered comfort on a silver platter. That’s a recipie for resentment. If I make you safe and comfortable you will resent me for the rest of your life. I know this because you’re like me. You won’t value our love until you feel like there’s an element of danger or need for survival that requires a sharp brain always being on to protect us. You will hate me if I try to be the one to guide our life or protect us. You ride into the desert looking for pie because you are a rider, not some jerk who likes ordering take out. So I will never ever fucking ever be easy because you can’t fall in love with easy. Not 100 anyway. I don’t want anything less. And that’s fine because I’m not the kind of girl that’s easy anyway. I think this kind of love is the only way to defeat death itself. It’s the reason why the big nothing is even big. It’s the reason why true love is always a bit dangerous. And why falling is never really a safe thing. In fact it’s quite the opposite.
That’s what makes the island so much sweeter when it’s safe. The danger from outside.
I guess I have only been coming to this realization because yesterday I thought of something called ‘the big wind’ and I guess I felt that only once in my life and it was the month a met you. And I’m starting to feel it again, and I realized it was just another word for the big nothing. And this morning when I thought about things, I thought , you know I don’t have a boss. But then I realized no that wasn’t true at all, I do have three bosses. Momentum, Time and Death. If my roses die it’s because I didn’t pay attention to who’s really in charge. I didn’t outsmart them. And that’s what I realized makes me the most happy. Being to close to these forces that control our existence and riding it and outsmarting it into the place of heaven that comes when you feel … though I’ve never ridden a motorcycle, I’m sure that’s what this feels like. And I have felt what love feels like at it feels something like that. There are flowers in hell, and my relationship with death is so close because he follows me everywhere. It’s a perpetual petite mort, being a florist. I see and think nothing but of death, outsmarting death, and other people get to see joy of life for a few days. My entire job is riding death like it’s my bitch and I can’t let the reigns slip, so why would I settle for a love that didn’t know how to ride along side me. I want a vanilla milkshake kind of love I want a fast food wendyys vanilla so sweet if makes everything smell like vanilla for days kind of love. The we can take turns being bithcws for each other kind of love. Because at the end of the day we have respect for each other and union.
I’m just tired of seeing a parked motorcycle when I look your way. When in out here taming wild horses by myself, making bouquets in solar powered lantern kitchens with no electricity by myself half blind, feeding my own self determination when I still don’t even know how to properly ride a bicycle without being afraid. I want to be with a man who’s afraid but thinks it’s fun to be afraid because it means he’s doing something worth doing. I want a man who’s afraid with me. It’s not even particularly Jane eyre because she came back and he was helpless, no I don’t want or need that. I want someone who rides death like he’s riding a horse. Slaying a dragon. Defeating death itself. Because we are only alive once. And you only have this life to love. And love is the only way to defeat death.